Neglectful June 11, 2008

So, its been a few weeks since I blogged. I wish I had a really good excuse, but, the reality is a combination of a lot of different things. I get writer’s block – bad. I don’t even want to write emails or communicate in any way. I’ve been really, really depressed lately – which is something that I haven’t actually admitted to anyone – over situations with friends that have turned ugly and unmanageable. BF and I went on a little mini-vacation, and even though I brought my laptop (and he played Solitaire while waiting for me to do complicated getting dressed things in the mornings) I stayed off it completely for almost 4 days. Work has gotten very busy – I’m involved in a small group that is generally meeting for a few hours each day, drafting a policy document for the future direction of our company – heavy stuff. None of this is to excuse, merely explain. I’m also not making as much progress as I’d like on controlling expenses, and, quite frankly, it makes me feel bad about myself to record that. Thats kind of the point, though – shame myself into recording it all, so I have a record, and I have impetus to keep moving in the right direction.

More tomorrow, I promise.

Mental Health Day May 19, 2008

I’ve been away for a few days. Not physically away, really, but mentally. I had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night, and didn’t end up getting any sleep at all that night. When I woke up on Friday morning, all I could think was that there was just no way that I could face the world that day. I called out of work, and went back to bed for a few more hours.

I spent most of Friday just…thinking. About all the things in my life that are good, and all the things that are not-so-good. About the fact that I feel like I can’t get along with anyone at all right now. About the fact that I feel dissapointed by everything and everyone. And about the fact that, unless I do something about all of this right now, it was all threatening to consume me, and ruin all the good things I’ve worked so hard for – my career, my friendships, my relationships with my family.

Normally, my reaction when I am depressed and upset is to run off to the mall and buy things. Or, even better, to hit all the favorite places online and order a bunch of clothing, books and who knows what else that I don’t really need, all in an effort to make myself better. And, yes, I think that buying things would have temporarily lifted my mood, probably more than the self-analysis and realizations did, but in the end, clearly, its not the healthy decision. In fact, the stress of being in debt is just another factor that is making me unhappy right now.

So, I thought about things, long and hard. I thought about what was worth taking a stand for, and what I needed to let go, to find some peace for myself. And I stayed off the internet, because in some ways, it is just not healthy. There are too many temptations – to spend, to gossip, to jump to conclusions.

I’m not saying that I’ve got it all figured out, but I woke up this morning feeling more productive and at peace than I have in a long, long time.

Upheaval May 12, 2008

I think today was the first Monday in a long, long while that I was legitimately glad that the weekend was over, and normalcy was returning. It was seriously that bad of a weekend.  I don’t want to get into the specifics (nor are they really that interesting, I promise), but suffice it to say, there was a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings that are only now starting to sort themselves out. Not a lot of fun.

I’ve also been thinking about my lifestyle a lot, and realizing that some of my patterns of behavior are totally unhealthy – physically, for my body, mentally, for my sanity, and financially, for my grander life plans. Its time to make some serious changes, and try a little bit harder to become the person that I want to be.

BF and I pretty regularly check craigslist for apartments that might potentially meet our criteria, for the future move-out plan of September 1st. Today, however, there was a place advertised that we hadn’t seen listed before, in a great location, meeting nearly all the requirements on our list – and at a very reasonable price. The problem is that it is already empty, and the landlord is most likely looking to rent sooner than we will be ready to move. I think we are going to take a look at it anyway, though, and maybe a discussion can be had.

Why be debt free? May 7, 2008

I was thinking this morning, as I was getting ready for work, about this whole push to become debt free that I, and many many other people, are engaged in. I could be wrong, but it seems that it has become an increasing focus over the last year for many people, in large part because of our collective fear over the economy. I know that I personally could not pay my bills if I were to lose my job, and be forced to take a job that paid less.

So, besides the overall feeling that debt is a burden that I would like to not have to deal with, here are some of the reasons that I want to be debt free.

1. I want to buy a condo/house in the next few years. And I know that if I keep going the way that I am going, there is no lender in the world that will approve me for a mortgage!

2. I (probably) want to start a family in the next 5-10 years. I’d like to have the option to have children, and to feel like I could possibly stay home with them, or work part time, at least for a little while. If i don’t get the debt under control, there is no possible way that this will be an option.

3. I want to be able to give people nice presents, and not feel mind-numbingly depressed after I do it. My family tends to be a little extravagant in the present giving area, and, honestly, I like spending the money to get someone something really nice, that I know they will treasure and enjoy. I just want to be able to do so and not then feel so guilty that I charged it all, and will be paying it off for who knows how long!

4. I want to indulge my expensive hobbies, guilt free. A few months ago, I really got interested in genealogy, and was in the process of creating a family tree on ancestry.com. To go along with it, I started paying close to $60 a month for access to their databases. I really got a lot of use out of it the first 6 weeks I had it, but then the holidays happened, and life got really hectic, and I got away from it. I eventually cancelled it in February, but I certainly wasted some money there first. I’d like to be able to re-sign up for a subscription there, and not feel terribly guilty when I do, even if I only have 10 hours a month to devote to the research.

5. I want to develop new hobbies. I’m really really interested in learning how to SCUBA dive, and I’ve looked into the process of getting certified, but all signs point to it being a fairly expensive hobby to take up. I’d like to be able to set aside the money for that, and for a few dive trips to the Caribbean, and not feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.

6. I want to travel more, and plan for it. I’ve actually gone quite a few different places, and I’ve got a long list of other places that I’d like to see. But I can never quite seem to justify spending the big money on travel, so I haven’t yet made it to Australia, or New Zealand, or Thailand or Japan. I want to be debt free so that I can plan a trip like this, and feel good about my decision.

I guess what it really comes down to is the idea that I want to be able to spend money without feeling guilt that it should be going towards debt repayment. Or that I am just adding to the debt by spending on credit cards. So, for me, being debt free is buying peace of mind.

Guilt April 23, 2008

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but – while I live in the suburbs, I work in the City. In fact, I work in one of the nicest and most affluent areas of the city, where everyday things are very expensive. Along with all of the expensive, tempting stores, nice areas tend to come with homeless people. Now, admittedly, they are not nearly as bad here in Boston as they are in, say, San Francisco – but I still see my fair share on a daily basis.

The weather has been getting really nice, and I’ve been wanting to wear open-toed sandals again. When I heard that today was supposed to be 80 plus degrees, I was convinced – I had to go get a pedicure yesterday after work so that I could wear a summery outfit today. I know, I know – pedicures are expensive, and an indulgence that I probably can’t afford, but I really am helpless at trying to paint my toenails myself, and its actually not that expensive to get one – $27 plus a few more dollars for a tip. I tend to get one every 4 weeks or so from about the end of April to the end of September – I really am trying to make them last. Its better than my previous habit, which was to simply buy endless bottles of nail polish that I would waste, and never have decent looking feet.

So, I get my pedicure, then I stop off at Ben & Jerry’s for an ice cream cone, which is another part of my pedicure ritual day. I am eating my $5 ice cream, walking to the train station to head home, when I pass a homeless man. He looks up at me, and says in a very clear voice – “Have a nice day, miss”. I sort of mumbled “You too” and kept on walking. As I walked away, I was immediately seized by the idea that I should do something, contribute something – I may be in debt, but really, I am so privileged, and I have so much. Even though I had a walk light, I grabbed a dollar out of my purse, and turned around and put it in his cup. He said “Oh, thank you sweetheart, have a lovely evening!” in this surprised tone of voice, and I felt even more guilty – should I have given more?

I don’t know what it was about this man. Perhaps it was his kind tone of voice, or the fact that, while he seemed to be dressed shabbily, he was very clean. I can’t imagine getting to a place in life where you have to sit outside a Starbucks, asking strangers for spare change. I thought about him, and my reaction, the whole train ride home.