Neglectful June 11, 2008

So, its been a few weeks since I blogged. I wish I had a really good excuse, but, the reality is a combination of a lot of different things. I get writer’s block - bad. I don’t even want to write emails or communicate in any way. I’ve been really, really depressed lately - which is something that I haven’t actually admitted to anyone - over situations with friends that have turned ugly and unmanageable. BF and I went on a little mini-vacation, and even though I brought my laptop (and he played Solitaire while waiting for me to do complicated getting dressed things in the mornings) I stayed off it completely for almost 4 days. Work has gotten very busy - I’m involved in a small group that is generally meeting for a few hours each day, drafting a policy document for the future direction of our company - heavy stuff. None of this is to excuse, merely explain. I’m also not making as much progress as I’d like on controlling expenses, and, quite frankly, it makes me feel bad about myself to record that. Thats kind of the point, though - shame myself into recording it all, so I have a record, and I have impetus to keep moving in the right direction.

More tomorrow, I promise.

Boredom May 20, 2008

I’m having the world’s most boring day at work. Our brand new server has some sort of major problem, and all of our files have been offline for the better part of the last two days. Its extremely frustrating, because I literally have about an hour worth of work to do on a particular project, and then its done, but I can’t do any reviews to it until this server comes back online. So, I’ve been killing time most of the day, working on other, ancillary projects, as well as a little personal project I’ve been meaning to spend some time on.

Using excel, I’ve projected out exactly what needs to be paid every month, and figured out when I will be able to be debt free. By my calculations, I should be consumer debt-free by February, 2011, if I stay the course. I’ve done projections like this before, but they are usually a bit too austere for reality. Its not an exact projection, obviously, but I think that it leaves plenty of room to adjust for unexpected inputs and outputs.

Assumptions:

• I’ve assumed the same base salary from now until 2011, which seems like a very conservative choice, given that we’ve been getting 3% raises every year, as well as the promise of a significant bonus at the end of this year, should the company goals be met.

• I’ve also assumed an additional $800 a month in income, starting 2 months from now. I fully intend to get a part time job to meet this goal, and I think that a part time job, as well as other sources of found/unexpected income will easily add this much to my monthly budget.

• I’ve factored in $600 a month for food/gas/transportation/cell phone/gym membership. This might sound like a lot, but my train pass alone right now is $235/month and my cell phone is $105/month. I’m working to reduce these amounts, and any extra will get transferred over to the debt repayment money.

• I’m leaving myself a cushion in my checking account. I know that it makes me queasy to not have at least $100 in there to cover any emergencies, so I’m deliberately not draining myself entirely.

• I’m not explicitly planning for any other significant influxes of money - tax refunds, bonuses, gifts, etc. I will factor that money in, and readjust, as it comes to me.

I’m not good with total rigidity in a budget/spending plan, so I think this method will work for me. Its got enough structure so that I’m not just flailing about, left to my own devices, but also enough flexibility that I should be able to make it work.

Mental Health Day May 19, 2008

I’ve been away for a few days. Not physically away, really, but mentally. I had a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night, and didn’t end up getting any sleep at all that night. When I woke up on Friday morning, all I could think was that there was just no way that I could face the world that day. I called out of work, and went back to bed for a few more hours.

I spent most of Friday just…thinking. About all the things in my life that are good, and all the things that are not-so-good. About the fact that I feel like I can’t get along with anyone at all right now. About the fact that I feel dissapointed by everything and everyone. And about the fact that, unless I do something about all of this right now, it was all threatening to consume me, and ruin all the good things I’ve worked so hard for - my career, my friendships, my relationships with my family.

Normally, my reaction when I am depressed and upset is to run off to the mall and buy things. Or, even better, to hit all the favorite places online and order a bunch of clothing, books and who knows what else that I don’t really need, all in an effort to make myself better. And, yes, I think that buying things would have temporarily lifted my mood, probably more than the self-analysis and realizations did, but in the end, clearly, its not the healthy decision. In fact, the stress of being in debt is just another factor that is making me unhappy right now.

So, I thought about things, long and hard. I thought about what was worth taking a stand for, and what I needed to let go, to find some peace for myself. And I stayed off the internet, because in some ways, it is just not healthy. There are too many temptations - to spend, to gossip, to jump to conclusions.

I’m not saying that I’ve got it all figured out, but I woke up this morning feeling more productive and at peace than I have in a long, long time.

Numbers Update May 15, 2008

Ah yes, its my favorite (well, one of 2, really) day of the month - payday. I know I was a little depressed to not actually make any progress on the numbers last week when I paid some things using my federal tax return, but I feel much better today. I’ve finally gotten the total debt level under $47,000 - which is the first reduction in that number that I’ve seen, so I’m pretty happy about that. I’ve also got the total number of credit cards that I’m carrying a balance on down to 7 - which definitely feels like an accomplishment for me! Even better is the fact that next pay period, I will be able to pay off another card, bringing the total down to 6, which will include only 1 store card.

I had some hard decisions to make with the money this week. I really desperately wanted to pay off both the Old Navy and the Gap cards in full, but I realized that doing so would leave me with basically less than $40 to get through to the end of the month - including the planned mini-vacation, for which I will definitely want to have some cash. So, I paid $665.16 to the Gap card, and left the Old Navy alone for now, knowing that I will be able to get it next time.

Its hard for me to operate without a little bit of a cushion in my checking account - its not that I don’t know when things are getting auto-debited, but anything under $200 in there makes me feel sort of nervous and uneasy. I’m not entirely sure why, as I’ve never actually over-drawn a checking account - I guess I just want to keep my record clear. So, I’m leaving the extra money alone for now, and will be down to 6 in 2 short weeks!

Lessons in Patience May 14, 2008

BF and I went to look at the aforementioned apartment last night. It was in a great location for us, as well as being fairly affordable ($1195, including all utilities). But, when I really evaluated it, it had some major flaws:

• It wasn’t a “real” condo, as in, it wasn’t front door. It was basically a glorified apartment that someone had purchased, which would mean dealing with all the things about apartments that I dislike - shared washer and dryer, people living above and below you, etc.
• Renting would be going through the individual owner, who seemed a little strange and off kilter - I couldn’t quite figure out why he was continually renting out and moving the way he was
• It was on the smaller side - apprx 800 sqf.  Not unreasonably small, but for the money, I think we could find something a bit bigger.
• It was definitely older, and had some unattractive features - including ugly plaster walls and a sort of gross living room carpet.
• Most of all, he was really looking to have it rented by June 1st.

We talked, and, yes, we could actually pull together the cash to make a June 1st move-in date happen, but the more we talked about it, the more I realized that we didn’t really want to do that. Making the move so quickly will mess up our plans for a mini-vacation at the end of the month, as well as our own personal debt reduction goals. We also wouldn’t have any “extra” money built into the savings plan yet for things like a new couch, and stocking a kitchen, meaning that most likely, I would end up having to charge those things and wait for BF to pay me back half of the money. So, while it may have seemed like a deal, for us it really was not, and I’m glad that we had the patience and foresight to realize that.

Please stop turning me into a nag May 13, 2008

The one thing about romantic relationships that always gives me a headache is, well, the financial aspect. I’ve dated guys in the past who had no concept of managing their finances, and who looked to me to provide them with large chunks of change when they got themselves in trouble (yes, I used to be both dumb and naive). I’ve also dated guys who (at the time) made twice what I did, but constantly complained about being broke, and made me feel terrible if I wasn’t paying exactly half. Its particularly hard when you get to that stage where its not just casual dating anymore, and you are living together, or planning to live together, and things start to mingle.

Thats where BF and I are now. We are going to look at an apartment tonight after work, and we are both really really excited about that. What I am less excited about is the idea that in November, his student loans enter repayment - and if he does not find a job by then that pays significantly more than what he makes now, he literally will not be able to both pay the loans and live. And I do not have enough play in my own budget to help him absorb some of the cost.

The solution, of course, is that he get a real job. And he claims that he wants to do this, but when he says things to me like “Well, if I stay here, and get a part-time job that pays an extra $250 a month, I will be able to pay for everything”. I mean, really? Its bad enough as it is that he works Saturday-Wednesday, and I work the more traditional Monday-Friday. But add in a part time job, and we will never see each other.

I just don’t know how to motivate someone without feeling like I am nagging them to death. I’ve mentioned it a million times. I’m stressing myself out about it. I need him to do this, for our relationship to survive and flourish, but mostly for himself, and I just don’t know how to make that happen.

Upheaval May 12, 2008

I think today was the first Monday in a long, long while that I was legitimately glad that the weekend was over, and normalcy was returning. It was seriously that bad of a weekend.  I don’t want to get into the specifics (nor are they really that interesting, I promise), but suffice it to say, there was a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings that are only now starting to sort themselves out. Not a lot of fun.

I’ve also been thinking about my lifestyle a lot, and realizing that some of my patterns of behavior are totally unhealthy - physically, for my body, mentally, for my sanity, and financially, for my grander life plans. Its time to make some serious changes, and try a little bit harder to become the person that I want to be.

BF and I pretty regularly check craigslist for apartments that might potentially meet our criteria, for the future move-out plan of September 1st. Today, however, there was a place advertised that we hadn’t seen listed before, in a great location, meeting nearly all the requirements on our list - and at a very reasonable price. The problem is that it is already empty, and the landlord is most likely looking to rent sooner than we will be ready to move. I think we are going to take a look at it anyway, though, and maybe a discussion can be had.

Disheartening May 9, 2008

I re-calculated my numbers, and paid some things with the tax return money that I recieved earlier in the week, and, well, the news is really disheartening. Due to interest charges and other things, my debt actually increased almost $200, despite making $800 worth of payments. The good news is that when I get paid on the 15th, I will have already factored in this interest, so the balances should drop. Its just so disheartening to see, when I really feel like I am working hard to pay things off.

It really is hard to feel like I am ever going to make any progress with this, at the rate its going.

Being frugal has turned me into a Sports Fan May 8, 2008

No, seriously - it kind of has.

I’ve never been the sporty sort of girl. I was on the swim team in high school, solely for the fact that I could hang out with my friends and still legitimately put a sport on my college applications. Despite living in New England, I’ve never been one to buy into the whole sports mania that consumes everyone here. Its just not my thing - I’m a girly girl. I also don’t have any brothers, or any sort of close male friend of a child, nor is my Father a huge sports fan. It just wasn’t my world.

Since getting serious about cutting down on my spending habits, though, I’m finding that at least a night or two of the week, a perfectly acceptable activity is to hang out with BF at his parents house, watching a Red Sox game. My pseudo-fandom started last fall, when they won the World Series, and we watched every game (mostly from a bar, where huge amounts of money on drinks was spent). Really, though - its not a bad way to spend an evening, and I’m even starting to find it sort of enjoyable.

You are never going to catch me in a pink Red Sox shirt, though - even I have my limits!

Must….resist…. May 7, 2008

J. Crew just sent me an email letting me know that things have been added to their sale page. So, i clicked through, fully intending just to take a peek. Well, I’ve now added $200 worth of flip flops and t-shirts to my shopping cart, and I’ve closed the window to keep myself from ordering them. Online shopping is my one, true weakness, particularly when i’m stuck at work on a beautiful day, and I’ve finished my latest project.

Must resist the temptation!